Well, Vashti, all you can do is raise them.

Had been looking forward, for the past couple of months, to my children hosting Christmas Day at their new apartment as we had planned together at Thanksgiving. It is apparently not to be. My daughter and her boyfriend made other arrangements to spend Christmas Day with his family. When I questioned this, they acted surprised and said they guessed they could hurry home and try to get a turkey cooked in time for supper. Now I feel like an after thought that has to be squeezed into an already full day. Felt like an idiot but ended up crying myself to sleep. After the hard year Bruce and I have had, I thought I at least had this to look forward to. No word from my oldest on his part in this and my other son and his girlfriend basically had to be bribed to come home for more than a few hours. I just feel like ripping everything down and saying the hell with it.

Down Again

As some of you are aware, Bruce has been struggling with depression over the past year. We had thought he was on the mend but this past week has put that idea aside. Bruce has barely been out of bed over the last four days and is eating very little. He did not go to work last night or tonight.

Moochie and I spend a lot of time on the computer, talking to our friends and playing games. I would like to start getting things ready for Christmas but I'm trying hard not to make any unnecessary noise. I really don't like the idea of going out anywhere and leaving him by himself. Work and the grocery store are the only places I go and only because I must. As usual, I go around work with a stupid grin on my face pretending all is well.

So, of you, my friends, I ask that you keep Bruce in your thoughts and send him vibes filled with strength to help him get beyond this. Maybe for Christmas this year, Santa will bring my husband back to me....

Amazing Friends

My Christmas party (a.k.a. Holiday Social) for work is this evening and I am growing more excited by the minute. Earlier today, I had to cancel a get together with my friend, Johnny, because of a miserable cold. I didn't want to take a chance on being far away from home if I started feeling worse. However, the party tonight is just down the road and I am going to pump myself full of drugs for it.

Just like the manner in which I first met, Johnny, I met my friend, Abbe, through Facebook because of the flag incident this summer. Abbe was living in Ontario at the time but has since moved to Truro with her husband and daughter. Now her husband works with me and they will be at the social tonight. So, now I will get to meet Abbe in person!

I have met so many fantastic people since August; I can't believe how many new friends I have; and all through Facebook. Glenda C. and I have many game challenges going on and talk regularly on the phone. Not sure when we'll get a chance to meet but a trip to Ontario is definitely on the agenda. Glenda H.R. lives a few hours away and we will eventually get together if we can get our schedules right. Lorraine B. and Peter W. may take a little longer, living across the Big Pond as they do, but I have always wanted to visit England so it will just be a matter of time. Raven & Alan, I don't know, I have this long held belief that the minute I land on the west coast, the big one will hit so you two may take a little longer. Perhaps we can manage something on this side of the Rockies. :-) Charles: we met at the rally and have become good friends, even though I was that strange woman who wanted him to speak.

Then, of course, there are all those folks with whom I don't chat on a regular basis but who have been very supportive of me and the whole flag issue. My friend list has exploded and it would take far to long to list you all. Simply know that I thank you and if I don't touch base with you, please do so with me.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyful Holidays to you all. May peace, love and understanding be with you throughout December and the coming year. Oh, and take time to enjoy an early morning walk in the snow, even you Glenda H.R.

The Bob Years

It is funny how little it takes to return me to the anguish of the "Bob" years. I often make jokes about that time but laughable, it was not. People go on about the effects of physical abuse. The lingering pain of mental and emotional is much more far reaching. At a time when I should be feeling great, all it takes is one little sentence to make me doubt myself and those around me.

How many times do I have to look through a portfolio so fat that I am thinking of dividing it for a second time, before I will believe the physical evidence of my intelligence, skills and abilities. Yet, I continue to hear ugly, fat, stupid, lazy cow. Worthless woman, worthless mother, worthless wife.

Most of my time, I manage to live my life not looking back at these things; then I hear that sentence, that phrase, that word.

One Week Later

And what a week it has been. I am so pumped. It is now 4:52 a.m. ADT and I am no where ready for sleep. My first week back on the production floor and as of Thursday night I had a 73% save rate. Friday night I had 100% so that works out to something like 86.5%. I can't believe it!

Wednesday night MOD (Manager on Duty) Quickcom'd (chat) me to see if I would take supervisor calls (was a back up sup before sick leave) but had to turn him down as I no longer had my tools. My first stop at break was at my TL's (Team Leader) desk to let her know I wanted to get into it for some time next week. She is getting started on my Development Action Plan as well.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I AM BACK!

Woo Hoo!

Made it through training (again) and Applied Learning Lab. Hit the production floor in earnest on Monday. Back with my old Team Leader, Laurie. She's great! Easy to get along with and always willing to work with her team to get things accomplished. She and I are a great fit. I'm really looking forward to it, which is something I didn't think I would say 2 months ago. I just wanted to run for the hills then but with the reinforcement of the training the past few months, I am so ready to get back at it. I really found myself enjoying all the calls tonight, even the cranky ones. It's a lot of fun joking with them and trying to bring them around. I hope this enjoyment stays with me. I love the people and the atmosphere at Convergys. I think I've found a home.

Resolve

Enough of feeling morose. I will stop looking inward so much and get on with living. The inwardness became a habit when dealing with my brother's death.

I am now looking forward to a brighter future. I am on the track to succeed at work and move up. I have new friends with whom I can share. My relationship with my daughter has vastly improved. Bruce will get better.

drunken ramblings

Sitting here at 5:49 am, after polishing off a bottle of wine provided by my husband who is quietly snoring away in the next room, I am reviewing the events of the past week. I know, I know, never a great thing to do on a bottle of wine. I spoke up for what I believed in. Those that matter, tell me I did the right thing, yet why do I feel like I've royally screwed up my life. I've spent countless hours crying silently so as to not upset Bruce. Fighting to maintain my dignity at work, yet feeling so very alone. I sit here wanting to cry yet again but the tears will not come. I haven't truly recovered from my depression, just enough to fake it so the doctor will send me back to work. With Bruce applying for CPP, I don't have much of a choice. He doesn't qualify for long term disability so one of us has to work. It is going to be a long, financially broke and lonely winter. I should go to bed but I fear bed spins. Don't tell me I'm an alcoholic but at times like this I almost wish I were. At least I would have the ability to drink myself into a stupor.

Silence

You are important to me.
Silence.
Let's get together.
Silence.
Looking forward to it.
Silence.

Excitement building.
Silence.
Watching in anticipation.
Silence.
Friends that never were.
Silence.

Busy Weekend

It has, indeed, been a busy weekend. It started off when work ended at 12:30 on Friday (technically Saturday, but we hadn't been to sleep yet). My training class is only a few days from completing our course so decided to have a graduation party. We went to Jessica's boyfriend's house (a magnificent place - he's one of the who's who in Truro) and started the evening off with Jello shooters.

Helen was an absolute entertainment whiz. She kept us laughing all evening long with her down home wit. Jessica wrote a poem about the class and managed to come up with something for everyone. Phil was there, even though circumstances in his life meant he missed time and had to transfer to another class. Abby and Jared, well, what can I say, these kids today just can't hold their liquor. They left a little piece of themselves behind. I ended up taking Abby home in a taxi and Jared passed out in his truck.

Saturday began when I jumped out of bed at 12:05 and went to the Town Hall on Religious Freedom and Equality Rights. We had a crowd of about 50-70 people with a good outcome. I just hope it wasn't all hype for the media. We will see. Saturday night my daughter, Lenore, and I went to the Pride dance and had a blast. Stayed the entire 4 hours and saw lots of people I knew as well as met several others.

Sunday was a little more relaxed. Spent the day with Bruce (or at least the afternoon) then went to a planning committee meeting of the Pride parade for next year. We went to Rev. Jay's and were treated to chili, salad and wine for supper. Got a lot of initial things discussed and decided. It's going to be good.

Community Impact Award, September 9, 2007, Centre of Hope, Halifax NS

An Old Log Cabin

Lately I find an old song running through my mind. "There's an Old Log Cabin for Sale." The haunting words and melody seems to fit my mood these days, like something is lost forever yet there is the possibility of a bright future that can arise out of it.

I struggled so much against returning to Convergys and, in some ways, I still do. Yet, at the same time, it is so wonderful to see so many old friends who I've kept in touch with but not seen as well as the new friends I've met in my training class. I'm the old lady in the group, the next oldest being 35. Average class age is 22 but they seem to accept me fully and have no problem letting loose and including me in the fun.

My friend, Charles, is reflecting my mood. We are both in somewhat of the same position - not doing what we want and coming down from the unexpected furor of the flag flap. We both see things going back underground and wonder if the nay-sayers were right; that it was all just a tempest in a teapot.

Sense of Loss

It is so hard to believe it has only been less than four weeks since the Pride in the Park rally and the beginning of the Facebook group. The energy and static flying about was amazing. Now, it seems to be drifting away. People are leaving the group, their interest gone now that it no longer appears to be such a hot issue.

The wonderful friends and kindred spirits I gained now, too, seem to be drifting away. They rarely visit/post in the group and I have a hard time even finding them on line most of the time. I now feel very lonely, sitting here in the wee hours, hoping for a chance to speak with them, if only for a few moments.

There are those who would, and did, accuse me of craving the limelight. I won't lie; in a way, I have enjoyed it. Not, as they would say, because of the media coverage or the compliments that were flying thick and fast but, instead, for the knowledge that, for one brief moment in time, I thought I had made a difference.

But did I really? Nothing seems to have changed. The haters still hate, the apathetic still have their heads in the sand and the passionate ones find another 'cause' to champion. The world continues to turn.

Family, Family Everywhere

It has been a very family oriented day. Bruce and I rose early to do a general tidy as we were expecting my sister, Betty, for the weekend. Not even dressed, halfway through the vacuuming and the phone rings. It's Bruce's sister-in-law. "We here in town and want to drop by in 15 minutes for a visit." I never knew housework (including cleaning the bathroom) could be done so quickly but we were ready in time. And it made it so pleasant that it was an extra muggy day. Anyway, Gordie and Jeannette arrived and stayed for about 45 minutes.

Just as they were heading out the door, Betty arrived. Introductions all around before the Farrell branch went on their way. A big hug from Betty before getting her settled in. As her birthday was in July and mine is in September, we exchanged gifts. I gave Betty a book on Yorkshire settlers in Cumberland County and the basket from The Babbling Brook while she gave me her latest book of poetry, "Paper Wings," and a Coronation Street beer stein. We know each other so well.

After lunch and a quick catch up, she and I headed off to the Armsworthy family gathering taking place at the Colchester Legion. Our great-grandmother, Bessie Dobson, was born an Armsworthy. I didn't know very many people there but got a chance to meet Dad's cousin, Nelson, and lots of other relatives from as far away as Alberta.

It was agreed to organize into a society called the Armsworthy Family Heritage Association. Of course I had to open my big mouth when they were discussing how to proceed with the whole thing. Having lead the charge on creating several societies, I advised them on several details. So what happens? I get myself elected President of the new Association. Thank you so much, Betty, for nominating me. After the meeting, we had a chance to socialize a little bit and get to know some of the other family members.

After we got home we headed out for supper at Kegger's but for some reason the kitchen was closed so we caught a cab out to Frank and Gino's and had a lovely dinner. Now mind you, since the social end of the day began, Betty and I have been imbibing just a little bit. While at dinner, who should sit down my our friends, Elaine and Chad Norman, who are celebrating their second wedding anniversary. Had a brief chat but left them to their celebration.

Stopped at the Liquor Store on the way home and picked up a big jug of wine, went home and watched Blow Dry and Sahara. Yes, we did manage to put a fair dent into the bottle before Betty and Bruce headed off to bed at 2:00 a.m. So, here I sit, all on my lonesome at 3:30 a.m. typing out my blog. Cheers everyone! It's been a great day!

On the Run

It's been a fairly active day so far. Started out with my regular trip to the doctor. All numbers are good: sugar levels are on target, cholesterol is riding the line a little so have to work on that. Weight is up a little but not surprising with being off work for almost 5 months with depression. But, knowing Roya, if I haven't brought it down by at least 5 pounds, the lectures on my health will start. I know she's right; we diabetics can't play fast and loose. Hmm, wonder if it might have been all those Skor Blizzards?

When we left there, Bruce and I went to Fair Trade Cafe for coffee and to read newspaper. I love the atmosphere there. You never know what you are going to get for music; it could be blues, jazz, old rock & roll, an open mic session or somebody reading poetry.

Once done there, we strolled down the street to Jim's Place for lunch. Jim's in Australia for a month then on to China for a year. Sure will miss him. He really keeps everyone smiling. Of course, Denise, who has taken the place over, is no slouch either. She banters with the customers as good as Jim ever did. I have a few of my cross stitches up there. If they sell, that'll be good, but it is nice to have them on display in the meantime.

Spent a little time shopping at the Book Nook and The Babbling Brook while Bruce headed home. Bought an Edward Rutherfurd book, London. For those who haven't read him, he writes in the James A. Mitchener style, covering many generations in the same families. My second book is Here Stays Good Yorkshire by Will R. Bird. It's a quasi-historical novel about the settling of Yorkshire folk in Cumberland, Nova Scotia from where my family, the Dobsons, originated. Doesn't mention the Dobson family but should still be a good read. I then bought a little basket of goodies at the Babbling Brook for my sister, Betty, who is coming down this weekend so we can attend a meeting of the Armsworthy clan, another branch of the family.

From there I attended a board meeting of the Cobequid Parent and Youth Resource Centre for about an hour, headed home meeting Rev. Jay Ettinger on the way. Had a little talk with him, met a couple of his fellow United Church ministers. Now I sit, regaling you with my the details of my day. From here I shall indulge in my secret pleasure, General Hospital. I know, I know, it's junk but I get kick out of it any way.

I also need to review my resume, update my references and portfolio. I have an interview at the Department of Community Services tomorrow for their casual roster. Damn it would be nice to get back there. I loved working with the clients and felt I was really making a difference. I've been on that side of the desk and do my best to treat them with as much dignity and respect as I can. Oh well, keep your fingers crossed for me.

The Road to Hell

Mother was right. Seems both sides have found me wanting.

Two days ago from the far right I get: "She doesn't want to take responsibility for the mess she has caused in both the heterosexual and homosexual communities trying to be Ms. Robin Hood."

Today I get: "....The problems arise when people who should be indifferent, aren't. For example, since homosexuality only affects homosexuals, only homosexuals should care one way or the other.....there is no shortage of people who make it their life's mission to oppose things that will never affect them.....I call these people the "Perpetually indignant". They're not happy unless they're all riled up about something. Once they find something they spend vast amounts of energy trying to "rally the troops" into becoming indignant..."

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I think I'm tired now.

My Life as a Woman

I have lived a magnificent 50 years...a full half century. I have seen Elvis (young & old), the Beatles together, the Beatles apart. I have experienced the death of a brother - very dear but very distant - laid him to rest in a little square box. I have born three children and miscarried one. I have married, divorced and remarried. I have been resident in a transition house, worked briefly in one then sat on its board in the position of president. (You've come a long way, baby.) I do not suffer intolerance or the deliberate demeaning of another human being. I love movies and cross stitch. I am addicted to Facebook. I have wonderful friends and hurtful enemies. I have survived two house fires (in the same house). I am in love with Bruce who is my true soul mate and completes my world. I am happy, I am sad, I am even tempered, I am foul tempered, I am easy going, I am a perfectionist. I am wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I am ...... a woman.